Hi it's me, I am the hot mess.

I am a hot mess.

No denying it.

For two weeks of the month, I am either sad, anxious, irritable or full of rage.

I am a nightmare. It is a nightmare. Being a woman once a month is a nightmare.

Who is with me?

I thought the hormones and mood swings of being a teenager were rough. That was a walk in the park compared to a roller coaster of emotions pulsing through my body. At least at 16, I didn’t have lower back problems and had a dewy glow.

Lately the pre-period sadness is all encompassing, why am I crying at television commercials? Why do I want to stay in bed? Why does my body feel hot and buzzing.

Or perhaps it’s the pre-period irritability, where anything my husband does annoys the hell out of me. In fact, he could have just looked at me sideways and my defensiveness hits the Richter.

Then there is anxiety creeping in making me think I am crazy. Worrying about all the could haves, should ofs so much so that I am lying awake in bed thinking about a cringe worthy conversation I had in 2004.

The brain won’t turn off while the body is asking, is it over yet?

Last week I was chatting with my sister, after realising that the tickets I bought for us to see the amazing writer Dolly Alderton was not December 17 but November 17. Yes, I forgot and didn’t get to see her author chat at QPAC. My sister did thank goodness and took a friend in my place. Bloody brain fog.

But during that conversation of how I completely forgot this event, an event I booked in March, I admitted to my sister that maybe I am having early onset midlife crisis or is it perimenopause or the fact there are so many tabs constantly open.  

While I am 18months from forging into my 40s, am I too young for perimenopause and am I just overreacting to a midlife crisis that happens the same week each month?

So many questions. For women I feel there are too many questions constantly swirling in our brains, with no room to even anchor an answer.

Lately I have been questioning my choices, my career, what I want from my life- thinking something needs to change.

Each time of the month I am rearranging my whole life’s plan and meaning. Only to calm down the following week and it’s all rainbows and lollipops #lovemylife.

It’s exhausting.

We are dealing with the motherloads of being a woman, but we are also trying to stay clam for ourselves and others.

We do all and be all– we sometimes feel lost and full of rage.

You know what happens when we try to keep our emotions bottled up. They explode eventually and it isn’t the disco confetti type.

Because let’s face it, a woman with rage is not just frightening, it’s not acceptable.

The Parliament of Australia announced a Senate Inquiry into the issues related to menopause and perimenopause around the impacts it has on all women across Australia.

About time.

Women’s health is forgotten about. It’s neglected, skimmed over.

Many women have been gaslighted– the symptoms are all in your head.

We don’t want to rock the boat; we get on with life and accept that this is what happens to women at a certain age.

No, we must do better.  Our healthcare systems and governments need to do better.

We need to educate better.

Be kinder.

Stop making women feel invisible when it comes to their health.

Normalise having conversations about our health, periods, menopause, hormones and inner rage.

Speak up when something in our bodies doesn’t feel right and remember it is our right to investigate it further.  

When we share experiences and stories with each other it really can empower us.

From vulnerability bravery grows.

As you can tell I am writing this column post period, so I am in the rainbow weeks and the haze and pain of the past fortnight has been lifted, #blessed.

I no longer want to make drastic changes to my life, nor do I feel like a woman on the edge.

I am still tired.

Tired of women feeling invisible, when it comes to their bodies and how they feel in them.

Rage is a good thing, especially if it means women can be seen and heard.

Here’s to being a hot mess, because we are all one month away from being there again.

All jokes aside, women deserve to feel at home in their bodies. To know it is a sanctuary rather than a ticking time bomb.

Big Love

 Fallon xox