Some days I channel Barbara Cartland. Especially today, pink hair, jumper, sunglasses lipstick.

But you can never have too much pink…. right?

My world is always filled with colour. To be around colour brings me so much joy. I can feel the happiness radiate from my wardrobe each morning.

But what happens when you are in a grey area?

As you can imagine anyone who is a freak for colour, would understand the perils of grey.

Recently I received some news that I have a nodule, lump, or what I have called it my twin, sitting at 1.5cm smack bang in the middle of my left Thyroid gland. As I type these words, the anxiety is bubbling and rises to my chest with a thump.

I have had an aspiration needle. It is as fun as its sounds, a needle in your neck while they pull it in and out to retrieve the cells of the nodule. As I am the Queen of awkward scenarios, the doctor couldn’t get it the first time, so they had a second go.

While waiting for my results I prayed it was nothing, that it was just a little extra compensating for the fact my under active Thyroid has been a bitch most of my adult life.

But no. It wasn’t so. In fact, I found out my twin has abnormal cells. So now I am sitting in the grey. It is gloomy and suffocating. I was told I had two options cut the nodule out, risk the loss of vocal damage and have half of my Thyroid removed. Or wait 6 months to see if it grows, then have it removed.

The thought of losing my voice, freaked me, I can’t imagine not having a voice, people who know me, know I love a chat and holding a microphone.

They cannot tell me if the nodule is more sinister, or if the abnormal cells will one day become sinister. Apparently, I can live with an abnormal nodule and nothing may ever become of it. Pesky Thyroid, so high maintenance. A hundred questions, and no solution. I hate it when you can’t find a solution. Solution is colour, the lifeline.

So, I have a little bit of a waiting game. Waiting in the grey is like being told I can never wear pink again. It is as useful as a bicycle is to a fish.

I wrestled with my inner thoughts on what to do, sitting with what makes you anxious and uncomfortable is no small feat. I think it is what we call moments of personal growth.

I feel we all have and need these moments of doubt, feeling petrified, not knowing the answer and find peace in knowing we have the choice on how we deal when life splashes grey in your face - or in my case down my throat.

So, I decided to monitor it for 6 months and see if there has been significant growth and go from there.

For many of us, we would all have different ways of dealing with what is thrown at you, for me, I wanted to wait, and not rush getting cut open. It isn’t even a year since my last visit to the operating bed.

It has taken me weeks to write this blog. I have wanted to share, the feeling of living in grey, but I needed to sit with my news. And I want to share that it is okay to sit with your news, let it be yours for a time. When it comes to matters of our heart we can’t rush, it must feel right for you. Often, we forget what feels right for us, rather worrying what it feels like for those around us.

What I have learnt is that sitting in the grey while it was stressful and unsettling, it was also a place of reflection, of figuring out what is important to you and how you can make yourself a priority.

When it comes to our mind and body, we must listen, if something feels off, you must investigate, it is important to be curious when it comes to your health.

The day I made the decision, to wait in the grey, I went out to water my plants and there starring at me was a Dove. We never have Dove’s in our backyard. It didn’t move it stayed there watching me water the plants.

Birds have been my sign from the universe, and the Dove, a sign of peace and positivity, was sending me a message, darts of colour hitting me. Everything is going to be technicolour, just wait and see.

Big Love

Fallon

“Everything is going to be technicolour, just wait and see. ”

The Technicolour Dove