Ain't no hood like Motherhood

Della Muscat is a Mama to her daughter Harvie and co-parents Nate and Tane. Della shares her inspirational insights about being a Mother.

What is Motherhood, in your own words?

Motherhood is providing that womanly nurturing and gentle strength to a child. To be a safe haven for them. Somewhere where their emotions are safe. It is a protective and powerful love that is beyond measure. I describe it as having my heart walking around outside of my body. You have to be so vulnerable but strong. It’s hard to describe. I’m learning more and more about it each day.

Did you always want to be a Mum?

Oh yes. For as long as I can remember. I’m one of the eldest cousins in my huge Maltese/Italian family and was always babysitting and pretending my baby cousins were mine! I was always the one wanting to play “Mums and Dads”. It’s always been such an instinct for me. Being pregnant and birthing Harvie was so fulfilling.

How did you become a Mum? For many women every journey is different, if you feel comfortable please share.

Being from a large Maltese family I never expected infertility, but that’s what I experienced. My first pregnancy was ectopic and during the emergency tube removal surgery the Ob found that I had really bad PCOS. The diagnosis made so much sense after I got it. After 3 and a half years; 4 miscarriages; many medicated ovulation rounds and initial IVF processes, I fell pregnant with Harvie naturally and very unexpectedly. Even though being pregnant with Harvie felt like a hangover without the fun, I loved every single day of it and whilst I was scared every one of those that I would lose her too, I had a feeling deep down that she was the one that was always meant to be.

When Harvie was 3, I became a single mum and that was a different sort of ‘Mum’ to anything I’ve ever known. It’s been my most radical, but rewarding life lesson. I’m also now becoming a co-parent to my partner’s sons and that’s a new type of ‘Mum’. My role as “Mum” is ever-changing, but beautifully rewarding.

What is the best lesson you have learned since becoming a Mum?

The best lesson I have learned is the one about myself. And that my daughter taught it to me. That there is strength in vulnerability. Harvie birthed me just as much as I birthed her - I was finally the woman I’d wanted to be. Harvie became an extension of me, rather than a replacement of me and that’s been a mantra of mine from the beginning. I have been adamant from day one that Harvie will grow to know an intelligent, compassionate, independent woman in her Mother and she has been a constant inspiration and driving force behind every decision I make.

What was the first year of Motherhood like for you?

She was a HARD baby – never slept and cried a lot, she only ever did a shit twice a month (yep!) but the first year was ABSOLUTELY BLISSFUL. I was so effective. I’m a bit weird like that. I thrive off stress, exhaustion and adrenaline – it’s a bit unhealthy really!

I felt extremely powerful, yet nurturing and like I’d finally stepped into my own. So despite how ‘hard’ she was - I wore her and bounced her like a mad person for 2 hours just to keep current with my friends over a coffee while she slept for 20 minutes. I slept upright on a couch for 12 months but felt super strong for protecting my baby. I danced like a loser while she was in her bumbo just so I could prepare a 3 course meal and entertain my friends in my home. I arranged for a cleaner so that I could spend more time watching “Suits” because 1 episode was the exact amount of time she napped (and also why she is named Harvie!).

i decorated my house with pride because staying home was a privilege after full-time work as a lawyer. When I returned to work I missed her SO much, so I didn’t force bedtime and instead we have established my most favourite golden hour in the world – when we are lying in bed at the end of her day and she’s pouring her little heart and soul out to me. We do it every single night.

I hate how the status quo is “the 1st year is SO hard, you’re just tired endlessly and your house is messy, etc etc”. Maybe those things are true, but also maybe they’re magical and wonderful and full of adults letting go of their bulshit egos and worries to goo and gaa at a tiny baby just to get a gummy, delicious, drooly smile. You’ll want it back the minute it passes you by – trust me.

What do you love about being a mum?

Every.Single.Bit. I’ve never resented her, not for a minute. She was hard to get, but so easy to keep. I love the privilege of being one the most important people in Harvie’s world. I love watching her draw. Every sentence she has thought out and speaks. Every dance move she will only make in front of me. Every time she says I love you. I love how she is manipulating me and I give in and she thinks it has worked. She’s perfect. It’s the best.

How do you handle the stresses and struggles of being a mum?

For me, the stresses and struggles of being a Mum come from everything else - being a single mum, working full time as a lawyer, the child support agency, social media pressure, dating someone with kids, etc, etc etc!!! These things distract me from being a Mum and then stress me out that I’m a shit one. The way I handle this is to intuitively put Harvie and I first when it’s needed – sometimes together, sometimes apart. Friday’s used to be for knockoff drinks, now they are for Disney and popcorn with my little girl on the couch and we stay up until as close to midnight as we can get (always me that gets tired first). When I’m putting me first, Harvie goes to her grandparents for some serious spoiling, while I go away for a dirty weekend with my partner or concert with my gals! It’s give and take. I do believe that you can’t pour from an empty cup.

Do you remember the day you became a Mum, what did it feel like?

I remember the first night, when I was holding her after an emergency C-section and my body was comforting her with warmth and milk – it was the most euphoric and powerful surge of emotions I’ve ever felt. I felt like a big mother lioness!

What did your Mum teach you about being a Mum?

Selflessness; that imaginary play is the best fun ever; that women are effing incredible beings and that love and laughter is paramount. My Mum has taught me that the right thing isn’t always the easy thing and to be strong enough to do that.

What gives you the most joy besides your little loves?

The little things. It’s always been about those. Playing my piano. The laughter of my loved ones when we are sitting at a table sharing food I’ve prepared. A funny or heartfelt text from a friend. My partner’s hand on my face. My monthly pay that I work really hard for. Friday at 5pm. When I’m boarding a plane for a holiday. A delicious meal.

What are your tips/advice for other Mamas out there?

Smother them with love, act silly, be brave and mostly – SAY YES MORE. Say it more than you say no! For some this is counter intuitive, but I have been consciously practising this since I became a Mum and I’ve shared this with others who have benefited also. Saying ‘yes’ means you instinctively learn about yourself and your child and what sort of a parent you want to be. It doesn’t mean there can’t be rules or boundaries (these are necessary) but saying ‘yes’ to the small things has made it way easier for Harvie to know what my big ‘No’s’ are . It has brought so much more joy – to Harvie and to me! I’ve watched her grow in confidence to voice her opinion and concerns; to ask for what she wants without being scared she’ll be scalded; to be compassionate and reasonable and to be fun! She’s a seriously fun kid. And Mama’s – don’t take shit from anyone. Stand up for yourself and your child/ren always and however you need to. If someone doesn’t like that – that’s their problem.

Share a funny story since becoming a Mum?

Harvie is a master manipulator. The other day she was telling me how hot it was and that ice cream would be a lovely way to cool down (totally geeing me up) and suggested that we get Baskin and Robbins. I did the old, “oh that would have been nice babe, but the shop is closed today”. Next second she turns to Google and says, “hey Google – what time does Baskin and Robbins close today?”. I was busted. And that sums her and her glorious 6 years of life up so far -intently learning and watching me every step of the way. And beating me at my own game!